Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK4wvSLw8qI

I love this video from the Mormon Channel on youtube.  It talks about how important marriage is and forgiving one another.

Foundational Process #1: Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant

"The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner.  Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily 'come unto Christ' and strive to be 'perfected i Him' (Moroni 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and woman come closer together" (Bednar, D.A. (2006, June). Marriage is essential to his eternal plan. Ensign, 36, 82-87.).

www.lds.org

Marriage scholar Scott Stanley has identified two kinds of commitment: constraint commitment and personal dedication.  We can be committed to a person because of how we feel about them, and then we can be committed because of our financial situation.

We should want to have a marriage that is nurturing.  

• intentional personal dedication
• exclusive cleaving and unity
• practice spiritual patterns

Foundational Process #2: Love and Friendship

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; As I have loved you, that ye also love one another" (John 13:34).

C.S. Lewis, in his book Mere Christianity, taught: "Love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling.  It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthed by habit.... They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like aeach other.... It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it" (Lewis, C.S. (1952). Mere Christiantiy. New York: Macmillan.).

lovepicsms.blogspot.com

Friendship can be required through:

• get in sync with your partner's love preferences
• talk as friends
• respond to bids for connection
• set goals for couple interaction

Foundational Process #3: Positive Interaction

Every marriage is going to go through some negative interaction, but it should not be accepted as a regular event.  There should be a lot more of positive interaction.

"The researchers discovered that for couples in stable marriages, the ration of positive to negative interactions during conflict situations was at least 5 to 1, whereas in couples headed for divorce, the ratio was only 0.8 to 1" (Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.).

Something that we can work on is to find two or three qualities about our spouse that we are appreciative of and keep those in our mind.  We will soon not find so many negative aspects about them, it will soon to change more to positive.

Foundational Process #4: Accepting Influence from One's Spouse

Elder Russell M. Nelson taught, "Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another" (Nelson, R.M. (1991, May). Listen to learn. Ensign, 21, 22-25.).

1) share influence in all family affairs.

2) ways to accept influence.

• turning to our spouse for advice
• being open to his or her ideas
• listening to and considering his or her opinions
• learning from our spouse
• showing respect during disagreements
• recognizing points we both agree on
• compromising
• showing trust in our spouse
• being sensitive to his or her feelings

Foundational Process #5: Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

What are some of the major areas in which couples may have differences and disagreements?

"In one study, money and children were the issues couples were most likely to report arguing about" (Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumber, S.L. (2001). Fighting for your marriage: Positive steps for preventing divorce and preserving a lasting love. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.).

Some things that need to be done within a couple is to hold regular couple councils, pillow talk at the end of each day is so crucial to talk about things that are going on in our life or things that we have concerns about.  We need to be willing to tell our spouse and our spouse needs to be willing to listen.

We need to eliminate destructive interaction patterns.  Gottman has identified four of these and labeled them "the four horsemen of the apocalypse," as they progressively lead to the downfall of a relationship: criticism (attack on one's personality), contempt (criticism mixed with sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling), defensiveness (not taking responsibility for change), and stonewalling (unwillingness to discuss or withdrawal from an issue). (Gottman, J.M. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. New York: Simon & Schuster.)

Other things that we should know how to do is sooth ourselves and each other.  It is important that we calm ourselves first when issue come into play.  By calming ourselves, we are able to bring up the concern that we have softly, gently, and privately.  There is nothing worse than fighting in front of your children, family, or friends.  It is also important to reach a consensus about the solution, but not solve the problem.

Foundational Process #6: Continuing Courtship through the Years

Years ago, President Spencer W. Kimball taught that "many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy" (Kimball, S.W. (2002, October). Oneness in marriage. Ensign, 32, 40-45.).

Couples tend to drift apart over time, but this does not have to be the case for every couple!  There is no reason to neglect this feeling or action, because it can cause couples to crumble under their foundation.  

President David O. McKay taught, "I should like to urge continued courtship, and apply this to grown people.  Too many couples have come to the altar of marriage looking upon the marriage ceremony as the end of courtship instead of the beginning of an eternal courtship" (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (2003). Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay. Salt Lake City: Author.).

wineandlovers.com 

****What are some things couples can do to keep courtship alive through the years?

• attend to the little things
• be intentional about doing things every day to enrich the marriage
• spend at least five hours a week strengthening your relationship

I just want to finish with this last quote because I honestly think it wraps everything up in such an amazing way:
"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently.  You shield it and protect it.  You never abuse it.  You don't expose it to the elements.  You don't make it common or ordinary.  If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new.  It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.  Eternal marriage is just like that.  We need to treat it just that way" (Howard, F.B. (2003, May). Eternal marriage. Ensign, 33, 92-94.).