"Honor Thy Father": Key Principles and Practices in Fathering

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5FxdCgD-qI

I know that there are a lot of examples of bad fathers who ignore their children of are not there, so I would like to focus on the good ones out there and what good came of it.

"Good fathering, it seems, really does matter. It matters over a long time, over a lifetime, and even over generations" (Snarey, J. (1993). How fathers care for the next generation: A four-decade study. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.).

There are five fundamental principles of fathering: to preside, partner, be present, provide, and protect. 

Fathers need to be the spiritual leader of their children. "The concept of blessing future generations does not belong only to scriptural imperatives or cultural traditions. Indeed, a concept known as generativity has become a bedrock principle of lifespan developmental theory and research (Erikson, 1950). Generativity is defined, simply, as the 'challenge to adults... to create, care for, and promote the development of others, from nurturing the growth of another person to shepherding the development... of a broader community" (Snarey, J. (1993). How fathers care for the next generation: A four-decade study. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.).

Parenthood is all about partnership.  There is partnership between the couple and then there is one between a parent and the children. The father should first look at how he can help the mother raise the child. They can have a better bond together because they are making those decisions together.  "President Howard W. Hunter advised that fathers should 'earn the respect and confidence of [their] children through [their] loving relationship with them,' and suggested also that fathers should give children 'time and presence in their social, educational, and spiritual activities and responsibilities' and provide 'tender expressions of love and affection toward children'" (Hunter, H.W. (1994, November). Being a righteous husband and father. Ensign, 24, 49-51.).  I think that it is also important that fathers, as well as mothers, are friends with our children's friends and their parents so they can be aware of who is in their child's life. 

austintoystores.com

Children need to feel security in their life.  They need to have the presence of their father in their life because active father's help children to not get into as much trouble.  "A child's dependence, both physically and psychologically, on parents fashions a relationship in which fathers must willingly accept the moral obligation to provide their children a secure atmosphere and be responsive to daily needs and desires" (Pruett, K.D. (1998). Role of the father. Pediatrics, 102(5) 1253-1261.).  There are many different ways that a father can be present in a child's life; physically, psychologically, and practically.  Fathers need to be there for their children, they need to be aware of how they are doing and ask them questions when they may need it, and they need to care for them.  My father was always there to teach me when I didn't understand things and was there to help me when I am upset.  He has been like this my entire life, and continues to do this even though I am married now.

***Has your father been there for you in your life?

Father's are here to provide for their families.  In the Doctrine and Covenants 75:28 it states, "Verily I say unto you, that every man who is obliged to provide for his own family, let him provide, and he shall in nowise lose his crown."  Fathers are to meet children's needs and offer opportunities for development.  If your father is struggling with this, I would go and talk to him, but if that is in no way possible, then I would look for an example in your life that can be more of a father figure.  We do not all come from families that take care of our needs, but we can find them somewhere.  If you are apart of a church, I would look for men who love their children and are good people. They are good examples to follow and talk to. "Scholars accurately suggest that the 'energy, sacrifice, and labor extended in order to provide' should be understood as complementary to other aspects of father involvement rather than necessarily competitive with other dimensions" (Christiansen, S.L., & Palkovitz, R. (2001). Why the "good provider" role still matters. Journal of Family Issues, 22, 84-106.).

It is so important for a father to protect his children!  There are so many fathers who have left the scene or are not doing what they are supposed to be doing.  They are leaving the young children to fend for themselves, which is a problem.  Fathers, as well as mothers, should protect their children from the bad things of the world.  "One commentator has framed this aspect of fathering as 'the job of preparing children to possess competencies to independently take on adult challenges in the world outside... the family'" (Hall, J.M. (2007). Strong fathers as strong teachers: Supporting and strengthening a child's education. In S.E. Brotherson & J.M. White (Eds.), Why fathers count: The importance of fathers and their involvement with children (pp. 319-333). Harriman, TN: Men's Studies Press.).  Father's should be pointing their children in the righteous path so that they can one day make the correct decisions and actions on their own.  Father's have to be the example to their children of the right way to live life.  They should want the best for their children, even when life gets tough.

(this is just a picture of my dad and me!)

*** How can your father change to be more apart of your life?  Who can you look up to if he is unwilling to change?

Repentance and Forgiveness in Family Life

Why Repent and Forgive?
So I know what you are thinking... it is way too hard to repent and forgive.  This also may sound a little religious, but I think that forgiveness is something that we all have to deal with at some point in our life.  There are always going to be people who disappoint us, but we have to decide if we are going to forgive them or if we are going to forget them.  Hopefully, things can get worked out and it won't be the latter, but sometimes that is what has to happen.

I actually love the scripture Mark 11:25-26 which states, "And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.  But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses."  This is all about how we need to forgive in order to be forgiven.  This of course can relate to any situation.

The only way to repair damaged family relationships is through repenting and forgiving.  "Numerous studies have demonstrated a relationship between forgiveness and well-being" (Harris, A.H.S., & Thoresen, C.E. (2005). Forgiveness, un-forgiveness, health, and disease. In E.L. Worthington, Jr. (Ed.), Handbook of forgiveness (pp. 321-333). New York: Routledge.).  
"By contrast, not forgiving can lead to harm. 'Unforgiveness' is considered a stress reaction in response to a perceived threat (Worthington, E.L. Jr. (2006). Forgiveness and reconciliation: Theory and application. New York: Routledge.), and the emotions associated with unforgiveness, such as resentment, hostility, blame, and fear, have been linked to health risks" (Harris and Thoresen).  

www.zehabesha.com 

I think that the first thing that people need to do is apologize.  It is honestly the easiest way to get rid of the problem.  It is the only way to get rid of the guilt and shame.  We have to stand up for ourselves and face the mistakes that we have made.  It is definitely not easy, but very necessary.  After we apologize, we have to change our ways.  "Apologies are essential for reconciliation" (Lazare, A. (2004). On apology. New York: Oxford University Press.).

Just like we are supposed to apologize for the things that we do wrong, we also need to be able to forgive those that are looking for reconciliation.  Honestly, when I don't forgive people, I just hold a huge judge for them and I can't shake it unless I forgive.  You just have to learn how to let go of the issues and focus on the good.

There are several ways to forgive, but these are just a few given from Worthington (2001):

1. Recall the hurt.
2. Empathize.
3. Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness.
4. Commit publicly to forgive.
5. Hold on to forgiveness.

(Worthington, E. (2001). Five steps to forgiveness: The art and science of forgiving. New York: Crown Publishers.).

rodarters.wordpress.com 

Life is going to be hard no matter what stage you are in, or how much money you have.  People are going to get there feelings hurt or are going to hurt others, but we still have to be willing to repent and forgive.  We need to be sorry for the things that we do and forgive others when they have done us wrong.  This should be done in any situation, but especially within a family unit.

ABC's of Successful Romantic Relationship Development

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkOnH36S_pY

"...The ABC's or more correctly, the ABCDE's... George Levinger postulated a five-phase development of heterosexual romantic relationships:
A: Awareness of or Acquaintance with another person;
B: Buildup of the relationship;
C: Continuation following Commitment to a long-term relationship (which may result in marriage for many couples);
D: Deterioration or Decline in the interdependence of the couple;
E: Ending of the relationship" 
(Levinger, G. (1983). Development and change. In H.H. Kelley, E. Berscheid, A. Christensen, J.H. Harvey, T.L. Huston, G. Levinger et al. (Eds.) Close relationships (pp. 315-359). New York: W.H. Freeman & Co.).

Every single one of these steps does not have to be in every relationship, but the last two are what are happening when a couple's relationship starts to fail.  

While we are starting in the dating scene, we may think that we are not ready for any type of commitment because we have stuff from our past holding us back.  
"How do we come to terms with negative experiences in our families? While therapy, good books, and good role models outside the family are helpful, ultimately, the octrines of the gospel of Jesus Christ, especially the plan of salvation and the Atonement, are the most powerful agents of change" (Packer, B.K. (2004, May). Do not fear. Ensign, 34, 77-80.).

If we want to find success, then we should take care of issues that we may have before we get into a committed relationship.

Physical attraction can of course be something to look for, but should not be the only aspect in the relationship that is a positive one.  
Elder Richard G. Scott gave a list of things that a someone should be looking for in a spouse; "a deep love of the Lord and His commandments [and] a determination to live them. ... kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home" (Scott, R.G. (1999, May). Receive the temple blessings. Ensign, 29, 25-27.).
We have to be able to confront the person and be able to communicate with them in some way.  It can be frustrating, but you just have to keep trying.

(A picture of my husband and I when we were dating)

When going for the buildup, this is when a couple is constantly communicating and spending time with each other.  Something else that is always done is talking about the relationship.  People tend to hangout instead of date.  Going on dates with different people does not make you a slut, it makes you a person who is looking for options.  Hanging out seems to be the easier way to go, yet there are so many men and women who are not happy with this type of making-no-progress-toward-a-relationship time.  There are three things to look for while "hanging-out":
1) is clearly directed toward finding out if the person could be a possibility for marriage
2) has a short time limit
3) doesn't take advantage of anyone

Break-ups are apart of dating.  Of course there are the very few amounts of marrying the high school sweetheart, but it is pretty uncommon.  Usually at some point in our life we are going to go through a break-up, whether we are the one doing the deed or it is being done to us.  There can be some serious heartache in this department, because most of the time someone tends to get hurt feelings.  This of course can be through dating, or even in marriage.

Then you get the commitment phase.  This is where we are committed to the person that we want to marry.  Something that is important to do is go to the Lord to know that this is the right decision.  The Holy Ghost will let you know if you need to stop, or if it is okay to keep pursuing this relationship.  Weddings tend to take up a lot of time and people can sometimes get offended.  Don't worry about that nonsense!
"Do not let receptions, wedding breakfasts, farewells, or other activities overshadow the sacred temple experience" (Scott, R.G. (1999, May). Receive the temple blessings. Ensign, 29, 25-27.).

www.ldschurchtemples.com

Defending the Sanctity of Human Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pOt7QSiBkk

Sanctity of Human Life

"In view of the widespread public interest in the issue of abortion, we reaffirm that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has consistently opposed elective abortion.  More than a century ago, the First presidency of the Church warned against this evil.  We have repeatedly counseled people everywhere to turn from the devastating practice of abortion for personal or social convenience" (First Presidency, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (1991, March). Church issues statement on abortion. Ensign, 21,78.)

Unfortunately, it has become the easy way out when teenagers, or people that do not want to have a baby get pregnant.  This is SO WRONG!  If you did not want to have a baby then why aren't you practicing abstinence, or at least using a contraceptive?  For those people who have become pregnant, I personally believe it is better to have that innocent child and then give him or her up to an adoption agency or find a family that is really loving and will want a child.

                                          www.40daysforlife.com

"What does this all have to do with abortion and the Church's position? We believe that abortion should never be used as a form of birth control. That even advising abortion as a method of birth control is a serious sin. The only times we have been counseled that abortion may be an option is when the mother's life is in danger and a professional doctor confirms it, or when a woman has been raped or involved in incest, or when a doctor says the child will be born with defects that will not allow it to live much beyond birth. The church's position isn't that you SHOULD have abortions under those circumstances, but that those circumstances are the only ones where a potential mother can justify an abortion and not sin against God's laws. Even then, abortion should only be chosen after careful consideration and prayer. No matter when you believe the spirit enters the body, the growing baby inside a woman is a growing person and must be treated as any other person should!" (Josh. Mormon.org. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. July 2013. http://mormon.org/searchresults#?query=abortion&filter=site.) 

Appropriate and Legal Ways to Support the Sacredness of Life

The number one way to not have abortion apart of your life of course is to maintain and promote chastity and fidelity.  Abortion would never even come up in this scenario.  The other ways are covered by the First Presidency in which they say:

1. Help provide for unwed parents.
2. Become better informed.
3. Discuss the sanctity of life accurately and appropriately.
4. Recognize the consequences of abortion.
5. Strengthen our testimonies of the sanctity of life.

Mistakes are bound to happen because we are not perfect and the Lord understands this.  But if we are to make those mistakes, then we should NOT choose abortion.  There are so many families out there that have amazing parents that are looking for a little child to take care of.  The LDS Family Services is a huge organization that helps people from all religions and economic background.  They are there to help you with making the hard decision of keeping the baby or putting it up for adoption.  

Mother's as Nurturers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ssHhzi7alI

Importance of Motherhood

Sometimes motherhood does not seem that important because we are the ones stuck on our hands and knees with rags wiping up the messes of our children.  Even though we may have an assortment of degrees, if we choose to have children we are stuck with this responsibility.  So why is it important to be a mother? 

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, a member of the Seventy said, “For most of our history, the word motherhood meant honor, endearment, and sacrifice… Yet this spirit of self-sacrifice has become a contentious issue in recent years, making contentious the very idea of motherhood” (Hafen, B.C. (2005). Covenant hearts. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.)

Basically what he is saying is that we (as women) used to have all of this love and support because being a mother was such an honor, and now this is much of the contrary.

Historically, mothers started to become the sole caregivers in the home starting with the industrialization time period.

Something that you have to remember is that having children does NOT end your life.  Parents (especially mothers) do not have to surrender their self-interest and independence completely.  There may be sacrificing a little bit, but you are still YOU!

In 1942, the First Presidency gave a statement that declared, “Motherhood is near to divinity.  It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind.  It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels” (Clark, James R. (Comp.). (1935-1951). Messages of the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 6 vols. (vol. 6), Salt Lake City: Bookcraft.).

Isn’t it amazing to feel that motherhood is absolutely divine?!  I can’t believe that women have the opportunity and responsibility to do this.  I am personally just in love with children and can’t wait to have that opportunity in my life.  Whether that is through my own children, or if I adopt or foster children.

“Motherhood is the ideal opportunity for lifelong learning.  A mother’s learning grows as she nurtures the child in his or her development years.  They are both learning and maturing together at a remarkable pace.  It’s exponential, not linear… In the process of rearing her children, a mother studies such topics as a child development; nutrition; health care; physiology; psychology; nursing with medical research and care; and educational tutoring in many diverse fields such as math, science, geography, literature, English, and foreign languages.  She develops gifts such as music, athletics, dance, and public speaking.  The learning examples could continue endlessly” (Hales, R.D. (2008, August 19). The journey of lifelong learning. BYU Devotional Address. Retrieved from http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=12394&x=83&y=4.).

The foundation of effective mothering is LOVE!  That is it!  You need to love your child through the thick and thin.  Because they are always dependent on you.  They love you and want to make you happy.

“When a mother is consistently available and supportive, the child receives the physical and psychological security necessary to foster playing, exploring, and appropriate social behaviors (Bretherton, I., & Munholland, K.A. (1999). Internal working models in attachment relationships: A construct revisited. In J. Cassidy & P.R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (pp. 89-111). New York: Guilford Press.).

Nurturing a child is second nature to a woman.  Although man can nurture also, there are differences when a man raises children compared to the woman.

Last thing I want to talk about is how much I love my mom and appreciate her in my life!  She is my inspiration and a huge example to me.  I hope to be the mother that she was one day. Here's a quick picture of me and her:)

Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK4wvSLw8qI

I love this video from the Mormon Channel on youtube.  It talks about how important marriage is and forgiving one another.

Foundational Process #1: Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant

"The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner.  Now consider what happens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily 'come unto Christ' and strive to be 'perfected i Him' (Moroni 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and woman come closer together" (Bednar, D.A. (2006, June). Marriage is essential to his eternal plan. Ensign, 36, 82-87.).

www.lds.org

Marriage scholar Scott Stanley has identified two kinds of commitment: constraint commitment and personal dedication.  We can be committed to a person because of how we feel about them, and then we can be committed because of our financial situation.

We should want to have a marriage that is nurturing.  

• intentional personal dedication
• exclusive cleaving and unity
• practice spiritual patterns

Foundational Process #2: Love and Friendship

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; As I have loved you, that ye also love one another" (John 13:34).

C.S. Lewis, in his book Mere Christianity, taught: "Love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling.  It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthed by habit.... They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like aeach other.... It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it" (Lewis, C.S. (1952). Mere Christiantiy. New York: Macmillan.).

lovepicsms.blogspot.com

Friendship can be required through:

• get in sync with your partner's love preferences
• talk as friends
• respond to bids for connection
• set goals for couple interaction

Foundational Process #3: Positive Interaction

Every marriage is going to go through some negative interaction, but it should not be accepted as a regular event.  There should be a lot more of positive interaction.

"The researchers discovered that for couples in stable marriages, the ration of positive to negative interactions during conflict situations was at least 5 to 1, whereas in couples headed for divorce, the ratio was only 0.8 to 1" (Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.).

Something that we can work on is to find two or three qualities about our spouse that we are appreciative of and keep those in our mind.  We will soon not find so many negative aspects about them, it will soon to change more to positive.

Foundational Process #4: Accepting Influence from One's Spouse

Elder Russell M. Nelson taught, "Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another" (Nelson, R.M. (1991, May). Listen to learn. Ensign, 21, 22-25.).

1) share influence in all family affairs.

2) ways to accept influence.

• turning to our spouse for advice
• being open to his or her ideas
• listening to and considering his or her opinions
• learning from our spouse
• showing respect during disagreements
• recognizing points we both agree on
• compromising
• showing trust in our spouse
• being sensitive to his or her feelings

Foundational Process #5: Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

What are some of the major areas in which couples may have differences and disagreements?

"In one study, money and children were the issues couples were most likely to report arguing about" (Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumber, S.L. (2001). Fighting for your marriage: Positive steps for preventing divorce and preserving a lasting love. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.).

Some things that need to be done within a couple is to hold regular couple councils, pillow talk at the end of each day is so crucial to talk about things that are going on in our life or things that we have concerns about.  We need to be willing to tell our spouse and our spouse needs to be willing to listen.

We need to eliminate destructive interaction patterns.  Gottman has identified four of these and labeled them "the four horsemen of the apocalypse," as they progressively lead to the downfall of a relationship: criticism (attack on one's personality), contempt (criticism mixed with sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling), defensiveness (not taking responsibility for change), and stonewalling (unwillingness to discuss or withdrawal from an issue). (Gottman, J.M. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. New York: Simon & Schuster.)

Other things that we should know how to do is sooth ourselves and each other.  It is important that we calm ourselves first when issue come into play.  By calming ourselves, we are able to bring up the concern that we have softly, gently, and privately.  There is nothing worse than fighting in front of your children, family, or friends.  It is also important to reach a consensus about the solution, but not solve the problem.

Foundational Process #6: Continuing Courtship through the Years

Years ago, President Spencer W. Kimball taught that "many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy" (Kimball, S.W. (2002, October). Oneness in marriage. Ensign, 32, 40-45.).

Couples tend to drift apart over time, but this does not have to be the case for every couple!  There is no reason to neglect this feeling or action, because it can cause couples to crumble under their foundation.  

President David O. McKay taught, "I should like to urge continued courtship, and apply this to grown people.  Too many couples have come to the altar of marriage looking upon the marriage ceremony as the end of courtship instead of the beginning of an eternal courtship" (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (2003). Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay. Salt Lake City: Author.).

wineandlovers.com 

****What are some things couples can do to keep courtship alive through the years?

• attend to the little things
• be intentional about doing things every day to enrich the marriage
• spend at least five hours a week strengthening your relationship

I just want to finish with this last quote because I honestly think it wraps everything up in such an amazing way:
"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently.  You shield it and protect it.  You never abuse it.  You don't expose it to the elements.  You don't make it common or ordinary.  If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new.  It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.  Eternal marriage is just like that.  We need to treat it just that way" (Howard, F.B. (2003, May). Eternal marriage. Ensign, 33, 92-94.).

Equal Partnership between Men and Women in Families

Equality - Adam and Eve

"You must not misunderstand what the Lord meant when Adam was told he was to have a helpmeet.  A helpmeet is a companion suited to or equal to us.  We walk side by side with a helpmeet, not one before or behind the other.  A helpmeet results in an absolute equal partnership between a husband and a wife.  Eve was to be equal to Adam as a husband and wife are to be equal to each other" (Tingey, E.C. (2008, January 13). The simple truths from heaven-the Lord's pattern. CES fireside for young adults, Brigham Young University. Retrieved from http://lds.org/library/display/0,4945,538-1-4399-1,00.).

We were put on this Earth to find our spouse that is to be our helpmeet.  That is that we are to help each other through this life.

bartik.wordpress.com

"The Fall" that is recorded in the Bible is viewed differently among the Christian sects.  Some Christians condemn Eve for what she did in the Garden, but The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints celebrates her decision!  Without her, we would not be on this Earth.  We would not have had the ability to gain a body for ourselves and make it back to our Father in Heaven.

"[Eve's] act, whatever its nature, was formally a transgression, but eternally a glorious necessity to open the doorway toward eternal life.... [The Prophet] Joseph Smith taught that [Eve did not] 'sin,' because God had decreed it" (Oaks, D.H. (1993, November). The great plan of happiness. Ensign, 23,72-75.).

www.ebay.com

President Boyd K/ Packer has said, "There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not [the husband's] equal obligation" (Packer, B.K. (1989, July). A tribute to women. Ensign, 28, 72-74.).

**** Women should also assist their husbands with the family.

One day when you are married, how can we help to have an equal partnership with our future spouse?

Benefits of Equal Partnership

• couples who share power are more satisfied and have better overall marital quality (Gray-Little, B., & Burks, N. (1983). Power and satisfaction in marriage: A review and critique. Psychological Bulletin, 93, 513-538.).
• less likely to to experience verbal aggression and physical violence (Brezsnyak, M., & Whisman, M.A. (2004). Sexual desire and relationship functioning: The effects of marital satisfaction and power. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 30, 199-217.).
• generally better parents

The most important thing to remember during all of this is that when you start a relationship that is getting serious, you want to make sure to look for signs of an equal partnership or an unequal partnership.  Something that will help is to see how the parents act towards each other, because that has taught the son or daughter how to act towards their own spouse.

Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage

"Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).

www.ldsliberty.org 

When we think about our life goals and things that we want to experience, do we think about marriage?  Why is this something that is widely viewed as an older entity?  Shouldn't we want to bond with someone and become one with them through marriage?   Honestly, I think that a lot of people are scared to have that kind of commitment.  I wish people knew how to work hard and to know that there is going to be hard times, we just have to be willing to work for it.

"Since 1950, the median age at first marriage in the United States has increased and is currently at a historic high of 26 years for women and 28 years for men" (U.S. Census Bureau. (2010). Current population survey, March and annual social and economic supplements, 2009 and earlier. Retrieved from http://www.census.gov/population/socdemo/hh-fam/tabMS-2.pdf)

Pessimism About Marriage

Why is everyone so pessimistic about marriage?  Do they really think that it is not important?

"In fact, a recent study showed that 90 percent of young adults in the United States rate 'having a god marriage and family life' as being 'quite important' or 'very important' to them" (Bachman, J.G., Johnston, L.D., & O'Malley, P.M. (2009). Monitoring the Future: Questionaire responses from the nation's high school seniors, 2008. Ann Arbor, MI:  Institute for Social Research.)

alivewithchrist.com 

It is interesting and absolutely awesome that people feel that way, but yet there are still so many people choosing not to marry.  I think that divorce has been a plague to our world.  There are so many children who are part of a family that is broken.  I can see how it would be difficult for those children to think that families are going to think that all families are like that. 

Cohabitation and Getting Ahead Before Getting Wed

"In one study, 62 percent of young adults reported that they believe that living together before marriage is a good way to avoid eventual divorce; more than half of all marriages in America today are preceded by cohabitation" (Whitehead, B.D., & Popenoe, D. (2002). Why men won't commit: Exploring young men's attitudes about sex, dating, and marriage. In the National Marriage Project, The State of Our Unions 2002: The Social Healther of Marriage in America (pp. 6-16). Piscataway, NJ: The National Marriage Project. Retrieved from http://stateofourunions.org/pdfs/SOOU2002.pdf).

Because people are deciding to wait to get married until they are settled with jobs or homes, then they are tending to lead to cohabitation.  It is a brutal cycle!

sowhatfaith.com

**** How can we deter away from cohabitation?

We definitely need to have the opposite sex in our life.  It is the way it is supposed to be going back even to the beginning.

Understanding Abuse in Family Life

Abuse involves hurting, demeaning, and controlling others, and often the worst types of abuse take place within families.

"Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others.  It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt, and fear." (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (1995). Responding to abuse: Helps for ecclesiastical leaders. Salt Lake City: Author.)

Child Abuse and Neglect

"A national survey in the United States found that during a one-year span of time, one in seven children between ages 2 and 17 were victims of maltreatment, including physical, sexual, or psychological/emotional abuse, child neglect, and custodial interference or family abduction." (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2009). Child maltreatment: Consequences.  Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/childmaltreatment/consequences.html.)

jessicavealitzek.com 

"Frequently, abusers have themselves been victims.  Children tend to learn behaviors and attitudes from their parents and other important adults around them, including attitudes about how to act in relationships, and how to view others and themselves." (Ertem, I. O., Leventhal, J. M., & Dobbs, S. (2000).  Intergenerational continuity of child physical abuse: How good is the evidence? Lancet, 356, 814-819.

***Something to remember is that not all people who have had abusive childhoods are able to learn healthy relationship skills and succeed as parents.  

"With regard to physical abuse in the United States, research suggests that at least three fourths of parents have used som form of physical discipline at some point in their parenting (such as spanking), and more than one half have used tactics such as hitting with fists, striking children with sticks or belts, kicking, pushing, or even throwing children." (Barnett, O. W., Miller-Perrin, C. L., & Perrin, R. D. (2011). Family violence across the lifespan: An introduction (3rd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.)

Spanking is an accepted practice in the United States, but if it becomes frequent, reflexive, and thoughtless it will become less effective over time.  Spanking can teach what not to do, but it doesn't teach what to do.  That is the communication of the parents of positive instruction.

*** How do you feel about spanking?

Children who are punished physically are more likely to fight other children, use aggression to solve problems, and to bully.

Sexual abuse is a violation of sacred moral agency and, for the perpetrato, is a particular atrocity because it is a violation of the soul and the sacred God- given power of procreation.  Those who are vulnerable are its victims, and it has the potential to cause later difficulties to the sexual- and symbolic- union between husband and wife.

Sexual abuse is the most hidden and secretive form of maltreatment.  

"Accurate numbers of sufferers are unknown, but existing data suggests that worldwide, approximately 20 percent of women and 5 to 10 percent of men were sexually abused as children." (World Health Organization. (2002). World report on violence and health: summary. Geneva: Author.)

"Most sex abusers are male (at least 75 percent)  and most who abuse sexually have developed deviant sexual interest by age 18. (Miller-Perrin, C. L., & Perrin, R. D. (2007). Child maltreatment: an introduction (2nd ed). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.)

"Although psychological abuse tends to happen in tandem with other maltreatment, its consequences can be as harmful as or even more harmful than physical abuse." (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2009). Child maltreatment: Consequences. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/childmaltreatment/consequences.html.)

Any parent can lash out, fail to meet a need, or become critical.  Psychological abuse is more frequent, intense, and negative patterns of the same behavior.  Psychological abuse can be the cause of social impairment, low self esteem, suicidal thoughts, problems in social interactions, and acting out.

Consequences of Child Abuse

The consequences of physical abuse are often manifest in externalizing problems.

• delinquency
• aggression

The consequences of sexual abuse are often manifest in internalizing behaviors.

• depression
• anxiety
• low self-esteem

The consequences of abuse can differ, ranging from mild to severe and from short term to long term, and the consequences can manifest in diverse ways--physically, psychologically, behaviorally, and in interpersonal relationships.

Physical Abuse

• bruises
• injuries
• impaired brain and cognitive function
• poor perceptual
• motor skills
• poor academic achievement
• anxiety
• depression
• irritability
• dissociation
• impaired self-image
• attachment problems
• impaired social skills
• peer rejection
• PTSD (hyperarousal and hypervigilance)
• ODD
• ADHD
• criminal and violent behavior
• abuse intimate partners
• abuse alcohol and other substances
• emotional problems

pu.blish.us 

Sexual Abuse

• physical and reproductive health problems
• difficulties in maintaining a healthy sexual relationship
• sexually transmitted infections
• mental health issues
• self-blame and shame
• negative and avoidant ways of coping
• interpersonal problems
• emotional distress
• insomnia
• feelings of helplessness in avoiding victimization
• substance use to dull the pain

Psychological Abuse and Neglect

• emotional problems
• intellectual deficits
• shame
• guilt
• insecure attachment
• increase anger and aggression
• disruptive behavior
• difficulty in making and keeping friends
• negative views of life
• depression
• suicidal ideation
• personality disorders
• can lead to social, cognitive, behavioral, and academic difficulties; emotional problems; physical dysfunction

Remember!!!! 

www.af.mil

Wholesome Family Recreation: Building Strong Families

In this world that we live in now, there are so many different sources of entertainment.  This does not necessarily mean that we are happy.When we try to find happiness for ourselves, thats all we do.  We find things that will make only ourselves happy.  How sad this is when we can find all the happiness that we could possibly need through a family.

Contemporary Happiness

"But many of us have seen a pattern of behavior where a parent, hoping to find individual comfort or pleasure, engages obsessively in recreation apart from family.  As a result, such an excessive obsession for a recreational activity may cause discord and disunity amongst family members rather than achieving the goal to strengthen family ties." (Widmer, M.A., Ellis, G.D., & Munson, W.W. (2003). Development of the Arstotelian ethical behavior in leisure scale short form. Therapeutic Recreation Journal, 37(3), 256-274.).

www.theminimalists.com 

There is something called the hedonic adaptation or the hedonic treadmill.  This is an important term because it explains why we look for pleasure and comfort because we think that it is going to make us happy.  But we then become accustomed to those comforts/pleasures and do not see it as such anymore.  It is not something that is new and exciting anymore.  It is something that starts to have no influence on us at all.

"Research suggests that feelings arising from overcoming challenges are rated as much more meaningful than pleasurable activities, such as watching television, which pale by comparison." (Seligman, M. E. P. (2002). Authentic happiness:  Using the new positive psychology to realize your potential for lasting fulfillments. New York: Free Press.)

Principles of Wholesome Recreation
Parallel Activities: involve multiple members of the family doing the same thing but not interacting with each other very much.

• watching movies and television

Joint Activities:  involve high levels of communication and interdependence.

• canoeing, tennis, chess, rock climbling etc.

Independent Activities:  those undertaken alone by individuals.

http://www.lds.org

**** REMEMBER that family recreation should still be the priority over individual pursuits

Wholesome Recreation and Children
Youth observe their parents.  The biggest thing that parents should do is spend time with their children playing.  They should be a model of good sportsmanship, kindness, and fair play.  Parents should push their children to be apart of several different types of activities.  They should not be stuck on one specific activity because it can limit the growth of the child.

What type of activities could you do with little children?

Wholesome Recreation and Adolescents
We all know that as children grow into teenagers, they show less of an effort of wanting to hang out with their family.  They want to have their independence while mostly hanging out with their friends.  Although it may be difficult, family recreation can create a positive home environment and attitude.  When adolescents have healthy identities they are less likely to fall into peer pressure or be influenced by the media.  

"Our own research demonstrates that engaging in challenging outdoor adventures, like learning to rock climb, backpack, fly fish, and mountain bike, promotes healthy adolescent identity development. "   (Duerden, M.D., Widmer, M., Taniguchi, S., & McCoy, J. K. (2009).  Adventures in identity development:  The impact of adventure recreation on adolescent identity development.  Identity, 9, 341-359.)

What type of other activities can you think of that would benefit teenagers?

camprecovery.crchealth.com 

We tend to live in a world that both parents are having to work.  This can be an issue when children are being affected.  When parents are spending all of their time working, they are taking that time away from their children.  They are not getting the opportunity to have those family recreation activities together.  

"Wholesome recreation often should include service learning or volunteering opportunities, like tutoring peers, cleaning up the local environment, and helping the elderly.  Church programs, Boy Scouts, and after-school programs provide opportunities to serve."  (Catalano, R. F., Berflund, M. L., Ryan, J. A. M., Lonczak, H. S., & Hawkins, J. D. (2002).  Positive youth development in the United States:  Research findings on evaluations of positive youth development programs.  Prevention and Treatment, 5, 1-117.)

What are some service opportunities that you can do with your children or teenagers (or even as a child or teenager)?

Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity

In our day the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles declared in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" that "God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife."

When I read this, I think about all of the many people who do not follow this.  Teenagers are starting younger and younger and unfortunately they are starting a chain reaction from generation to generation.  

To your surprise, there are several different types of infidelity.

• Relational Detachment (which includes Emotional and/or Physical)
• Detached (which includes Fantasy and/or Visual)
• Attached (which includes Romantic and/or Sexual)

There are many consequences of infidelity.

• Objectification
• Overemphasizing the Visual
• Overemphasizing Sex
• Instant Gratification and Instant Solutions

Elder Bruce C. and Sister Marie Hafen explained, "When men or women are true to the deepest instincts of their natures, they will nurture sensitivity and kindness as part of their marital fidelity.  But when their motives darken toward betrayal or a quest for power, they cast away their human kindness in ways that deny the link between true sexuality and fidelity" (Hafen, B.C., & Hafen, M.K. (1994). The belonging heart: The Atonement and relationships with God and family. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.).

Preventing Marital Infidelity

• Boundaries: Being on Guard
• Fiercely Loyal (controlling thoughts)

Repairing Marriage after Infidelity

Snyder, Baucom, and Gordon indicate that the majority of couples, about 70 percent, stay together and attempt to work it out, despite one of them being unfaithful.  Nearly half of those who choose to stay together end up building a strong relationship (Snyder, D.K., Baucom, D.H., & Gordon, K.C. (2007a). Getting past the affair: A program to help you cope, heal, and move on-- together or apart. New York: Guildford.).

                                 thegospelcoalition.org 

Step 1 - Rebuild Trust

• become accountable!
• establish boundaries
• rebuild the trust bank account

Step 2 - Gain Perspective

• understand how the infidelity came about
• Could include: high amounts of conflict, lack of emotional connectedness, lack of physical intimacy, high amounts of stress, etc.

Step 3 - Repentance and Forgiveness

• confession
• forsaking sin
• finding forgiveness
• forgiving an unfaithful spouse (can be the most difficult tasks in a couple's healing process)

Step 4 - Overcoming Addiction

• ADDICTION DOES NOT MAKE A PERSON BAD.
• stopping
• counseling

Step 5 - Making the Choice to Stay Together

• Healing the past
• strengthening the present
• enrich the future