Young Adulthood and Pathways to Eternal Marriage

"Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord" (1 Corinthians 11:11).

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When we think about our life goals and things that we want to experience, do we think about marriage?  Why is this something that is widely viewed as an older entity?  Shouldn't we want to bond with someone and become one with them through marriage?   Honestly, I think that a lot of people are scared to have that kind of commitment.  I wish people knew how to work hard and to know that there is going to be hard times, we just have to be willing to work for it.

"Since 1950, the median age at first marriage in the United States has increased and is currently at a historic high of 26 years for women and 28 years for men" (U.S. Census Bureau. (2010). Current population survey, March and annual social and economic supplements, 2009 and earlier. Retrieved from http://www.census.gov/population/socdemo/hh-fam/tabMS-2.pdf)

Pessimism About Marriage

Why is everyone so pessimistic about marriage?  Do they really think that it is not important?

"In fact, a recent study showed that 90 percent of young adults in the United States rate 'having a god marriage and family life' as being 'quite important' or 'very important' to them" (Bachman, J.G., Johnston, L.D., & O'Malley, P.M. (2009). Monitoring the Future: Questionaire responses from the nation's high school seniors, 2008. Ann Arbor, MI:  Institute for Social Research.)

alivewithchrist.com 

It is interesting and absolutely awesome that people feel that way, but yet there are still so many people choosing not to marry.  I think that divorce has been a plague to our world.  There are so many children who are part of a family that is broken.  I can see how it would be difficult for those children to think that families are going to think that all families are like that. 

Cohabitation and Getting Ahead Before Getting Wed

"In one study, 62 percent of young adults reported that they believe that living together before marriage is a good way to avoid eventual divorce; more than half of all marriages in America today are preceded by cohabitation" (Whitehead, B.D., & Popenoe, D. (2002). Why men won't commit: Exploring young men's attitudes about sex, dating, and marriage. In the National Marriage Project, The State of Our Unions 2002: The Social Healther of Marriage in America (pp. 6-16). Piscataway, NJ: The National Marriage Project. Retrieved from http://stateofourunions.org/pdfs/SOOU2002.pdf).

Because people are deciding to wait to get married until they are settled with jobs or homes, then they are tending to lead to cohabitation.  It is a brutal cycle!

sowhatfaith.com

**** How can we deter away from cohabitation?

We definitely need to have the opposite sex in our life.  It is the way it is supposed to be going back even to the beginning.

Understanding Abuse in Family Life

Abuse involves hurting, demeaning, and controlling others, and often the worst types of abuse take place within families.

"Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others.  It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt, and fear." (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (1995). Responding to abuse: Helps for ecclesiastical leaders. Salt Lake City: Author.)

Child Abuse and Neglect

"A national survey in the United States found that during a one-year span of time, one in seven children between ages 2 and 17 were victims of maltreatment, including physical, sexual, or psychological/emotional abuse, child neglect, and custodial interference or family abduction." (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2009). Child maltreatment: Consequences.  Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/childmaltreatment/consequences.html.)

jessicavealitzek.com 

"Frequently, abusers have themselves been victims.  Children tend to learn behaviors and attitudes from their parents and other important adults around them, including attitudes about how to act in relationships, and how to view others and themselves." (Ertem, I. O., Leventhal, J. M., & Dobbs, S. (2000).  Intergenerational continuity of child physical abuse: How good is the evidence? Lancet, 356, 814-819.

***Something to remember is that not all people who have had abusive childhoods are able to learn healthy relationship skills and succeed as parents.  

"With regard to physical abuse in the United States, research suggests that at least three fourths of parents have used som form of physical discipline at some point in their parenting (such as spanking), and more than one half have used tactics such as hitting with fists, striking children with sticks or belts, kicking, pushing, or even throwing children." (Barnett, O. W., Miller-Perrin, C. L., & Perrin, R. D. (2011). Family violence across the lifespan: An introduction (3rd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.)

Spanking is an accepted practice in the United States, but if it becomes frequent, reflexive, and thoughtless it will become less effective over time.  Spanking can teach what not to do, but it doesn't teach what to do.  That is the communication of the parents of positive instruction.

*** How do you feel about spanking?

Children who are punished physically are more likely to fight other children, use aggression to solve problems, and to bully.

Sexual abuse is a violation of sacred moral agency and, for the perpetrato, is a particular atrocity because it is a violation of the soul and the sacred God- given power of procreation.  Those who are vulnerable are its victims, and it has the potential to cause later difficulties to the sexual- and symbolic- union between husband and wife.

Sexual abuse is the most hidden and secretive form of maltreatment.  

"Accurate numbers of sufferers are unknown, but existing data suggests that worldwide, approximately 20 percent of women and 5 to 10 percent of men were sexually abused as children." (World Health Organization. (2002). World report on violence and health: summary. Geneva: Author.)

"Most sex abusers are male (at least 75 percent)  and most who abuse sexually have developed deviant sexual interest by age 18. (Miller-Perrin, C. L., & Perrin, R. D. (2007). Child maltreatment: an introduction (2nd ed). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.)

"Although psychological abuse tends to happen in tandem with other maltreatment, its consequences can be as harmful as or even more harmful than physical abuse." (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2009). Child maltreatment: Consequences. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/childmaltreatment/consequences.html.)

Any parent can lash out, fail to meet a need, or become critical.  Psychological abuse is more frequent, intense, and negative patterns of the same behavior.  Psychological abuse can be the cause of social impairment, low self esteem, suicidal thoughts, problems in social interactions, and acting out.

Consequences of Child Abuse

The consequences of physical abuse are often manifest in externalizing problems.

• delinquency
• aggression

The consequences of sexual abuse are often manifest in internalizing behaviors.

• depression
• anxiety
• low self-esteem

The consequences of abuse can differ, ranging from mild to severe and from short term to long term, and the consequences can manifest in diverse ways--physically, psychologically, behaviorally, and in interpersonal relationships.

Physical Abuse

• bruises
• injuries
• impaired brain and cognitive function
• poor perceptual
• motor skills
• poor academic achievement
• anxiety
• depression
• irritability
• dissociation
• impaired self-image
• attachment problems
• impaired social skills
• peer rejection
• PTSD (hyperarousal and hypervigilance)
• ODD
• ADHD
• criminal and violent behavior
• abuse intimate partners
• abuse alcohol and other substances
• emotional problems

pu.blish.us 

Sexual Abuse

• physical and reproductive health problems
• difficulties in maintaining a healthy sexual relationship
• sexually transmitted infections
• mental health issues
• self-blame and shame
• negative and avoidant ways of coping
• interpersonal problems
• emotional distress
• insomnia
• feelings of helplessness in avoiding victimization
• substance use to dull the pain

Psychological Abuse and Neglect

• emotional problems
• intellectual deficits
• shame
• guilt
• insecure attachment
• increase anger and aggression
• disruptive behavior
• difficulty in making and keeping friends
• negative views of life
• depression
• suicidal ideation
• personality disorders
• can lead to social, cognitive, behavioral, and academic difficulties; emotional problems; physical dysfunction

Remember!!!! 

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Wholesome Family Recreation: Building Strong Families

In this world that we live in now, there are so many different sources of entertainment.  This does not necessarily mean that we are happy.When we try to find happiness for ourselves, thats all we do.  We find things that will make only ourselves happy.  How sad this is when we can find all the happiness that we could possibly need through a family.

Contemporary Happiness

"But many of us have seen a pattern of behavior where a parent, hoping to find individual comfort or pleasure, engages obsessively in recreation apart from family.  As a result, such an excessive obsession for a recreational activity may cause discord and disunity amongst family members rather than achieving the goal to strengthen family ties." (Widmer, M.A., Ellis, G.D., & Munson, W.W. (2003). Development of the Arstotelian ethical behavior in leisure scale short form. Therapeutic Recreation Journal, 37(3), 256-274.).

www.theminimalists.com 

There is something called the hedonic adaptation or the hedonic treadmill.  This is an important term because it explains why we look for pleasure and comfort because we think that it is going to make us happy.  But we then become accustomed to those comforts/pleasures and do not see it as such anymore.  It is not something that is new and exciting anymore.  It is something that starts to have no influence on us at all.

"Research suggests that feelings arising from overcoming challenges are rated as much more meaningful than pleasurable activities, such as watching television, which pale by comparison." (Seligman, M. E. P. (2002). Authentic happiness:  Using the new positive psychology to realize your potential for lasting fulfillments. New York: Free Press.)

Principles of Wholesome Recreation
Parallel Activities: involve multiple members of the family doing the same thing but not interacting with each other very much.

• watching movies and television

Joint Activities:  involve high levels of communication and interdependence.

• canoeing, tennis, chess, rock climbling etc.

Independent Activities:  those undertaken alone by individuals.

http://www.lds.org

**** REMEMBER that family recreation should still be the priority over individual pursuits

Wholesome Recreation and Children
Youth observe their parents.  The biggest thing that parents should do is spend time with their children playing.  They should be a model of good sportsmanship, kindness, and fair play.  Parents should push their children to be apart of several different types of activities.  They should not be stuck on one specific activity because it can limit the growth of the child.

What type of activities could you do with little children?

Wholesome Recreation and Adolescents
We all know that as children grow into teenagers, they show less of an effort of wanting to hang out with their family.  They want to have their independence while mostly hanging out with their friends.  Although it may be difficult, family recreation can create a positive home environment and attitude.  When adolescents have healthy identities they are less likely to fall into peer pressure or be influenced by the media.  

"Our own research demonstrates that engaging in challenging outdoor adventures, like learning to rock climb, backpack, fly fish, and mountain bike, promotes healthy adolescent identity development. "   (Duerden, M.D., Widmer, M., Taniguchi, S., & McCoy, J. K. (2009).  Adventures in identity development:  The impact of adventure recreation on adolescent identity development.  Identity, 9, 341-359.)

What type of other activities can you think of that would benefit teenagers?

camprecovery.crchealth.com 

We tend to live in a world that both parents are having to work.  This can be an issue when children are being affected.  When parents are spending all of their time working, they are taking that time away from their children.  They are not getting the opportunity to have those family recreation activities together.  

"Wholesome recreation often should include service learning or volunteering opportunities, like tutoring peers, cleaning up the local environment, and helping the elderly.  Church programs, Boy Scouts, and after-school programs provide opportunities to serve."  (Catalano, R. F., Berflund, M. L., Ryan, J. A. M., Lonczak, H. S., & Hawkins, J. D. (2002).  Positive youth development in the United States:  Research findings on evaluations of positive youth development programs.  Prevention and Treatment, 5, 1-117.)

What are some service opportunities that you can do with your children or teenagers (or even as a child or teenager)?

Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity

In our day the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles declared in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" that "God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife."

When I read this, I think about all of the many people who do not follow this.  Teenagers are starting younger and younger and unfortunately they are starting a chain reaction from generation to generation.  

To your surprise, there are several different types of infidelity.

• Relational Detachment (which includes Emotional and/or Physical)
• Detached (which includes Fantasy and/or Visual)
• Attached (which includes Romantic and/or Sexual)

There are many consequences of infidelity.

• Objectification
• Overemphasizing the Visual
• Overemphasizing Sex
• Instant Gratification and Instant Solutions

Elder Bruce C. and Sister Marie Hafen explained, "When men or women are true to the deepest instincts of their natures, they will nurture sensitivity and kindness as part of their marital fidelity.  But when their motives darken toward betrayal or a quest for power, they cast away their human kindness in ways that deny the link between true sexuality and fidelity" (Hafen, B.C., & Hafen, M.K. (1994). The belonging heart: The Atonement and relationships with God and family. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.).

Preventing Marital Infidelity

• Boundaries: Being on Guard
• Fiercely Loyal (controlling thoughts)

Repairing Marriage after Infidelity

Snyder, Baucom, and Gordon indicate that the majority of couples, about 70 percent, stay together and attempt to work it out, despite one of them being unfaithful.  Nearly half of those who choose to stay together end up building a strong relationship (Snyder, D.K., Baucom, D.H., & Gordon, K.C. (2007a). Getting past the affair: A program to help you cope, heal, and move on-- together or apart. New York: Guildford.).

                                 thegospelcoalition.org 

Step 1 - Rebuild Trust

• become accountable!
• establish boundaries
• rebuild the trust bank account

Step 2 - Gain Perspective

• understand how the infidelity came about
• Could include: high amounts of conflict, lack of emotional connectedness, lack of physical intimacy, high amounts of stress, etc.

Step 3 - Repentance and Forgiveness

• confession
• forsaking sin
• finding forgiveness
• forgiving an unfaithful spouse (can be the most difficult tasks in a couple's healing process)

Step 4 - Overcoming Addiction

• ADDICTION DOES NOT MAKE A PERSON BAD.
• stopping
• counseling

Step 5 - Making the Choice to Stay Together

• Healing the past
• strengthening the present
• enrich the future

Marital Sexuality and Fertility

Marital sexuality serves several purposes for both husband and wife as individuals as well as for the couple relationship. 

Becoming One

David A. Bednar taught, “The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation” (Bednar, D.A. (2006, June). Marriage is essential to His eternal plan. Ensign, 36, 82-87.).

Rabbi Shuley Boteach identified physical intimacy of a husband and wife as something that symbolizes the tie between God and all of His creations.  He stated, “that Judaism has always identified sex as the most holy of all human endeavors.”

This is HUGE news to the worldly people of today.  They do not think about becoming one with their sexual partners at the moment.  It is an amazing concept and will create more love and understanding in their home.

This is a picture of my husband and I on our wedding day. (We just got married May 4, 2013, so it was pretty recent!)

Strengthening Bonds

President Spencer W. Kimball taught, "There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join... in an expression of love" (Kimball, E.L. (Ed.). (1982). The teachings of Spencer W. Kimball. Salt Lake City: Bookcraft.).

In Islam, M. Holland explained that one of the benefits of marriage is to obtain peace of mind.  He goes on to state that the pleasure derived from sexual intercourse between a husband and wife is an example of happiness in the afterlife" (Holland, M. (Trans.) (1998). The proper conduct of marriage in Islam (Adab an-Nikah): Book 12 of Ihya'Ulum al-Din. Hollywood, FL: Al-Baz Publishing.).

Procreation

Christianity, Judaism, and Islam ALL point to Adam and Eve where they were told to be fruitful and replenish the Earth.  This is a very difficult task but so simple at the same time.  The only way that generations can keep coming is if procreation keeps occurring.

Whether we are to have the children ourselves, or adopt, having children in our lives are very important!

 

usdailyreview.com

blogs.publishersweekly.com

Children

President Hinckley said, "If you are married, you and your spouse should discuss your sacred responsibility to bring children into the world and nurture them in righteousness" (Hinckley, G.B. (1984). Cornerstones of a happy home [pamphlet]. Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.).

This of course is only for the physically able of course.

Don't worry!!! You can have as little or as many children as you want to have, it just depends on you, your spouse, and the Lord.  All three are apart of the decision to have children.